literally had 100 drinks last night.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
