i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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