I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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