Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
