I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Mom said you looked used
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
