I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
