I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
