He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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