Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize
