Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
