he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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