cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
