I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
