you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
