dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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