i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
