I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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