put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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