i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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