Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
