Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
