mondays should just be called national damage control day
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
