please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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