i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
