Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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