Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
