shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
