i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
