so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
