I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
