i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
