So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
