Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
