this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
