I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
A bitchslap is in order.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
