she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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