The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
