Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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