I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
