Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
