R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
