My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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