Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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