You just made me feel so damn special
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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