What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I miss vodka workout Fridays
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
