but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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