OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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