"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
