The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
