So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
