your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
