I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
