if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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